Religion

"It does me no injury for my neighbor to say there are twenty gods, or no god. It neither picks my pocket, nor breaks my leg.” – Thomas Jefferson 

 "Jesus is the biggest victim of identity theft in the United States." - Senator Raphael Warnock

"For some people, Christian love is just a stone's throw away." -- Rev. Pat Morgan.

"They've both got the same damned god.  They just don't know how to read." - Jesse Welles

 "In Sunday School I asked the priest why there was a special school for Christian myths but not for Norse myths." - Ada Palmer

  "Even when there is only one religion there is more than one  religion." - Ian R. MacLeod

"God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, He's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play the scenes." - Garrison Keillor

"I am not a God-fearing man and that feeling is entirely mutual." - Andy Zaltzman

"Religion: it's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion." - Jon Stewart

"Wherever you find a god you'll find somebody waiting to take charge of the burnt offerings." - O. Henry

"God works in mysterious ways and God isn't taking any questions at this time." - Dan Savage

"You gotta treat God like Grandma."  - Jerron Paxton

"If childhood piety was like having chicken pox, its resurgence was like shingles -- the itching had come back decades later as pain." - Thomas Perry

“Only one thing is impossible for God: to find any sense in any copyright law on the planet” – Mark Twain

"There are a lot worse things to believe in than God." -Suzanne M. Wolfe

"I think there probably is humor in heaven, or earth wouldn't look like this." - Ovidia Yu

"Some times I feel like God's favorite sitcom." - Marie-Helene Bertino

"Are you aware that there’s an abundance of recent science that actually confirms the Genesis account of creation?" - Louisiana State Senator John Milkovich (D-Shreveport), 3/29/2016

"TiVo is god in my household." -Michael Powell, Chairman of the FCC, January 2003.

"If God is in the details, then the Code of Federal Regulations and especially the Federal Register are leading candidates for secular deification." -Joe Morehead

"You don't want to read the Book of Revelation and the federal budget in one sitting. It is pretty scary." -Gene Goldsmith, (former) state representative, 42nd District of Washington

"I have long known that it is part of God's plan for me to spend a little time with each of the most stupid people on earth." -Bill Bryson

"A true holy book could fit on an index card, but most of the words on it haven't been invented yet." - Will Ludwigsen

"The second law of thermodynamics, simply put, is as follows: left to themselves, things tend to go to hell in a handbasket." -Cecil Adams

"In eternity, there will be no underground beatnik intellectual dive cafe's hashing phony, ambiguous 'word art' for you to lounge in and laugh it up with your cheap wine coolers and funky sexually-vague groupies." - An anonymous correspondent of the Kook's Museum.

"Don't play God.  He always wins." - Terry Pratchett

"If it were proven that there is a God, there would be no religion." - Ursula K. LeGuin

"I frankly don't care if someone thinks I'm going to hell after death and I'm not going to argue with him for the same reason I'm not going to argue with someone who believes that I'm going to the lost continent of Atlantis after dinner." - Dan Savage

"Fear prophets and those prepared to die for the truth, for as a rule they make many others die with them, often before them, at times instead of them." -Umberto Eco

Sanity and Insanity

 "What is paranoia, after all, but  an extreme form of gullibility?" - Mat Coward

“That way, of course, lies madness, but I would be the last person to say that madness is not a solution.”  -James Thurber

"Yes, I am insane. Thanks for asking." -Harlan Coben 

Truth and Falsehood

 

"Contrarian arguments are generally contrarian because they're bullshit." -Scott Lemieux

"A lying man produces more plausible excuses." - Dave Gordon

"Truth is stoned to death by tiny pebbles." - Judy Dugas

Or perhaps the truth is less interesting than the facts?" -Amy Weiss, Senior VicePresident for Communications, RIAA

"I am always true to my word, which happens to be 'dishonest.'" - Lorrie B. Potters

"Bullshit still works as fertilizer."  - Chuck Wendig

"Truth is very scarce in official documents. It is not expected by the public, and it would be utterly thrown away upon Congress." -J. Ross Browne, U.S. Treasury official, 1858
 

Conscience

 

"The one thing that doesn’t abide by majority rule is a person’s conscience." -Harper Lee

"A buried conscience is the worst ghost of all."  - Janice Law (slightly edited)

"An attorney must have either a guilty conscience or no conscience at all." -David Mamet 

"People who have tried it, tell me that a clear conscience makes you very happy and contented; but a full stomach does the business quite as well and is cheaper, and more easily obtained." - Jerome K. Jerome

Racism and Diversity

“Diversity is being invited to the party. Inclusion is being asked to dance.” -Verna Meyers

"If people were given a choice between democracy and whiteness, how many would choose whiteness?" -Taylor Branch

"Ever been left-handed and used dangerous power tools like chainsaws and weed whackers, only to have a mouthful of sawdust or a rock to the groin violently inform you that everything on those tools— from the safety mechanisms to the trigger placement to the ergonomic sweep of the handles — are designed for right-handed people? That’s what racism is like, except the chainsaw was designed by a guy who didn’t want left-handed people cutting firewood, trimming weeds, or sleeping with his daughter." – Chris Newman

"Racism depends on the presence of those it hates."  - Elisabeth Anne Leonard   

“The Sicilians are vivid in imagination, affable, and benevolent, but excitable, superstitious, and revengeful.” - Congressional Serial Set, v 5867, Senate Document 662

Advice

 

"Give the People what they Think they want." - George Ade

 "In a place where there is no human, strive to be human." - Rabbi Yona

 "In order to discover who you are first learn who everybody else is and you're what's left." - Ashleigh Brilliant

 "The best time to publish your book is next year." - Andy Peloquin

"If the final hour comes upon you when you are planting a tree, finish planting it." - Hadith

"Don't say you're against false  equivalencies if you eat bananas." - Eric Lyden

"You can't go to a  party ironically." - Jon Lovett 

"Remember the first rule of conspiracy theories: follow the monkey." - Stephen Colbert

"If a chap can’t compose an epic poem while he’s weaving tapestry he had better shut up.’ - William Morris

"The journey of a single step can begin with a thousand miles." - John Flynn

 "If you don't have a joke a fact is second best." - Penn Jillette

"When life gives you lemons have a gin and tonic." - Simon Brett

"Do not go gentle into that good night.  Bring a flash light." - Chris Knopf

"Be ye not snit-prone." -Bryan Bowers

"Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better."  - Samuel Beckett

"I don't know whether this is the best of times or the worst of times, but I assure you it's the only time you've got. You can either sit on your expletive deleted or pick a daisy."-- Art Buchwald

"Don't kill the messenger. In fact, don't kill anyone." - Andy Zaltzman

"If you catch all your flights you're getting to the airport too early." - Jon Lovett

"When life gives you harlequins, make harlequinade." - Falsetry

 "'Write about what you know' gets a bad rap.  If you don't know do the research and then you know." - Barb Goffman

"If you were thinking of assassinating a politician my main advice would be don't bother - they keep spares." - Mat Coward

 “Three things in human life are important: the first is to be kind; the second is to be kind; and the third is to be kind.” - Henry James

“Write like everyone you know is dead." - Joe Lansdale

 "Unless a reviewer has the courage to give you unqualified praise, I say ignore the bastard." - John Steinbeck

"You can get excited about the future. The past won't mind." - Hillary DePiano

“First forget inspiration. Habit is more dependable. Habit will sustain you whether you're inspired or not. Habit will help you finish and polish your stories. Inspiration won't. Habit is persistence in practice.” - Octavia Butler

"When I have a hard time identifying what desperately needs my attention, it's usually sleep." - Mike Bray

  "A word of advice: Don't Google nun's underwear." - Catriona McPherson

"Trust the wolves, but do not tell them where you are going." -Neil Gaiiman

"Experience is a thing of extraordinary value and often exorbitant price.  And yet, when you try to give it away, to hand it over to someone else free of charge, they frequently refuse it."  - Leonard Pitts.

"Don't try to win.  Try to learn." - Lisa Scottoline.

"Do, oh do remember that when stern duty, daughter of the voice of God, is at the other end of a telephone the only thing to do is to ring off." - Dorothea Rowe

"Don't bring a pizza cutter to a knife fight." - Lorrie B. Potters

“Teach the Gospel at all times; if necessary use words." -Francis of Assisi

"The world is changed by your example, not your opinion." - Tom Hodge

"The only way to move forward creatively is to allow yourself to be judged." - Amy Hohn

"You can't help someone cross the street if they just don't want to go." - Steve Goodman

"Don't play God.  He always wins." - Terry Pratchett

"If you want to be whole, be a part." - Lorrie B. Potters

"There is no healing without humor." - Jess Lourey

"You can look back, babe, but it's best not to stare." - Tom Petty

"When you have a broken neck, it is almost impossible to throw a kumquat with the speed and accuracy necessary to hit a living squirrel." - Stephen Tobolowsky

"In terms of advice for writers I have two words: butt glue." -Janie Chang

"Mountains are highly susceptible to flattery."  - Jim Malcolm

"No crying on the yacht." - Catriona McPherson

"Talking is how they distract us from doing, and never mistake a Post or Submit button for someone’s genuine interest or actual action in the world." - Will Ludwigsen

"When smashing monuments, save the pedestals. They always come in handy." - Stanislaw Lem
 

"No man can serve two bastards." -Jim Britell

"If I've learned one thing from reading Dante, it's that if you find yourself in hell, take notes." - Neil Steinberg

"Don't steal the reader's crayons."- Chantelle Aimee Osman.

"You can't mend an omelet without unbreaking a few eggs."  - Neil Gaiman

"Before you embark on a journey of revenge,  dig two graves." -Confucius

“Those memories ain't gonna make themselves.” – Brian Thornton

"Don't kill your darlings. Just lock them in the basement." - Jon McGoran

“There is ecstasy in paying attention.” - Annie Dillard

“The only difference between a groove and a grave is the depth.” - Michael Z. Lewin

“Water towers on fire take care of themselves.” -Chris Otepka

“To really succeed neatness-wise you need a messy best friend.” -James Powell

“Let us look less to the sky to see what might fall; rather, let us look to each other…and rise.” -Judge Michael McShane

“Sometimes you have to be forced into your luck.” -William DeAndrea

"Only a damned fool puts the fight above what he fights for.” -Michael Collins

“What Would Sam Spade Do?” -William Francis Condon

“Wearing belt and suspenders doesn’t help if you forget your pants.” -Lorrie B. Potters

"Never argue with a nerd - you both get bogged down in details, but the nerd enjoys it." - Emily Keene

"The worst situations in the world always start with the words, 'trust me.'" -Kristine Kathryn Rusch

"Be obscure clearly.” - E.B. White

“What is to give light must endure burning.” - Viktor Frankl

"Be sure to leave your underpants with someone you can trust." -Ian Andersen.

"The earliest Christians get the hungriest lions." John M. Floyd

"Never swear at a parrot." Kevin McLoughlin

"It is impossible to wrap ones arms around a whale, a fleeing fox or a sunken ship" Judge Kevin M. McCarthy, Popov v. Hayashi

"If you hear any sinister background music, run like hell." -Carol Cail

"Never advise anyone to go to war or to marry." -Spanish Proverb

"Forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them more." -Oscar Wilde

"Beware of barking at underdogs; don't fight with people who have nothing to lose." -Dory Previn

"Rather than easy answers, search for clearer contradictions." -Lorrie B. Potters

"If all the people of the world would just join hands, three quarters of them would drown." -attributed to Pete Seeger